---
title: Find Answers to Your Questions ~ We-Speak Community
description: Frequently asked questions from the We-Speak community. Explore questions answered by experts to help survivors, advocates, and allies better understand trauma and the healing process.
url: https://www.wespeak.ie/en/learn.md
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# Questions & Answers

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### What are you interested in?

### Topics

Making sense of childhood experiences

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

Making sense of adult experiences

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

Seeking help after trauma

Sharing your story with others

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

Understanding and embracing healing

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[

##### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-do-i-get-sexually-aroused-when-thinking-about-my-childhood-sexual-assault-68)

12 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

2 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/is-it-normal-to-have-experienced-pleasure-during-an-assault-i-think-i-may-have-had-an-orgasm-but-im-not-sure-i-feel-so-betrayed-by-my-body-im-just-too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-ask-my-therapist-87)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

6 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/a-few-years-ago-i-had-a-memory-resurface-of-when-i-was-11-12-years-old-i-briefly-for-a-few-seconds-placed-the-back-of-my-hand-on-a-family-friends-5-year-old-male-private-area-i-remember-him-saying-tha)

6 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

69 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

🇺🇸

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement. However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-to-deal-with-people-with-trauma-who-cross-your-boundaries-because-of-it-18)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

🇿🇦

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abu...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-might-survivors-of-gender-based-violence-may-feel-hesitant-to-report-the-human-rights-violation-33)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

2 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-i-celebrate-the-small-ways-i-am-healing-from-trauma-48)

8 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/my-girlfriend-told-me-that-before-she-was-with-me-she-was-sexually-assaulted-how-can-i-help-her-115)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-do-i-understand-why-something-triggers-me-54)

6 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...")

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

🇺🇸

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/im-struggling-to-differentiate-between-normal-childhood-curiosity-and-sexual-abuse-these-are-two-hypothetical-situations-1-a-twelve-year-old-started-touching-and-kissing-a-four-year-old-she-asked-them)

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

14 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-bad-days-when-i-am-healing-from-trauma-45)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### So how do you heal from trauma?

🇺🇸

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help. First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/so-how-do-you-heal-from-trauma-16)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/when-i-was-young-my-younger-sibling-who-was-6-at-the-time-repeatedly-engaged-in-sexual-acts-with-me-over-the-course-of-a-week-i-allowed-it-to-happen-because-it-felt-good-at-the-time-and-i-didnt-think-it-was-wrong-does-this-count-as-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-156)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Yes, it is possible for a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse to be older than their perpetrator. Child-on-child sexual abuse involves a minor engaging in sexually abusive behavior towards another minor. In such cases, the age difference between the survivor and the perpetrator can vary, and it is not solely dependent on the chronological age of the individuals involved.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-can-a-victim-be-older-than-their-perpetrator-80)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-someone-become-an-effective-advocate-against-sexual-violence-192)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

🇺🇸

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors. Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you....

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-can-sharing-your-trauma-story-be-therapeutic-79)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

🇹🇳

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

🇮🇹

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/when-i-was-a-child-my-parents-repeatedly-forced-enemas-on-me-i-remember-screaming-and-begging-to-stop-then-finally-giving-in-freezing-and-dissociating-ive-only-recently-30-years-later-had-the-courage-to-recall-this-memory-of-which-i-used-to-have-flashbacks-that-made-me-sick-my-parents-are-nice-people-but-i-feel-like-i-am-a-survivor-of-a-kind-of-sexual-abuse-can-you-help-me-understand-what-happened-to-me-119)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

5 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### What does it mean to be loved?

🇯🇵

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question. I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me." It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied. True love and compassion is not about getting special favors. It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are. Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/what-does-it-mean-to-be-loved-790 "Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question. I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like \"the other person is really paying attention to me.\" It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied. True love and compassion is not about getting special favors. It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are. Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your...")

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-do-i-get-sexually-aroused-when-thinking-about-my-childhood-sexual-assault-68)

12 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

2 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

🇺🇸

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement. However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-to-deal-with-people-with-trauma-who-cross-your-boundaries-because-of-it-18)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/my-girlfriend-told-me-that-before-she-was-with-me-she-was-sexually-assaulted-how-can-i-help-her-115)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

🇺🇸

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/im-struggling-to-differentiate-between-normal-childhood-curiosity-and-sexual-abuse-these-are-two-hypothetical-situations-1-a-twelve-year-old-started-touching-and-kissing-a-four-year-old-she-asked-them)

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

14 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/when-i-was-young-my-younger-sibling-who-was-6-at-the-time-repeatedly-engaged-in-sexual-acts-with-me-over-the-course-of-a-week-i-allowed-it-to-happen-because-it-felt-good-at-the-time-and-i-didnt-think-it-was-wrong-does-this-count-as-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-156)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

🇮🇹

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/when-i-was-a-child-my-parents-repeatedly-forced-enemas-on-me-i-remember-screaming-and-begging-to-stop-then-finally-giving-in-freezing-and-dissociating-ive-only-recently-30-years-later-had-the-courage-to-recall-this-memory-of-which-i-used-to-have-flashbacks-that-made-me-sick-my-parents-are-nice-people-but-i-feel-like-i-am-a-survivor-of-a-kind-of-sexual-abuse-can-you-help-me-understand-what-happened-to-me-119)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

5 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/is-it-normal-to-have-experienced-pleasure-during-an-assault-i-think-i-may-have-had-an-orgasm-but-im-not-sure-i-feel-so-betrayed-by-my-body-im-just-too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-ask-my-therapist-87)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

6 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

🇿🇦

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abu...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-might-survivors-of-gender-based-violence-may-feel-hesitant-to-report-the-human-rights-violation-33)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

2 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-do-i-understand-why-something-triggers-me-54)

6 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-bad-days-when-i-am-healing-from-trauma-45)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Yes, it is possible for a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse to be older than their perpetrator. Child-on-child sexual abuse involves a minor engaging in sexually abusive behavior towards another minor. In such cases, the age difference between the survivor and the perpetrator can vary, and it is not solely dependent on the chronological age of the individuals involved.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-can-a-victim-be-older-than-their-perpetrator-80)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

🇺🇸

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors. Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you....

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/why-can-sharing-your-trauma-story-be-therapeutic-79)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### What does it mean to be loved?

🇯🇵

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question. I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me." It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied. True love and compassion is not about getting special favors. It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are. Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/what-does-it-mean-to-be-loved-790 "Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question. I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like \"the other person is really paying attention to me.\" It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied. True love and compassion is not about getting special favors. It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are. Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your...")

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/a-few-years-ago-i-had-a-memory-resurface-of-when-i-was-11-12-years-old-i-briefly-for-a-few-seconds-placed-the-back-of-my-hand-on-a-family-friends-5-year-old-male-private-area-i-remember-him-saying-tha)

6 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

69 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-i-celebrate-the-small-ways-i-am-healing-from-trauma-48)

8 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...")

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### So how do you heal from trauma?

🇺🇸

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help. First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/so-how-do-you-heal-from-trauma-16)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/how-can-someone-become-an-effective-advocate-against-sexual-violence-192)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

[

##### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

🇹🇳

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

](https://community.ourwave.org/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

Explore questions answered by experts to help survivors, advocates, and allies better understand trauma and the healing process.

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##### Need to take a break?

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready